Taking Time Takes Patience

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Desperate and Afraid, People Trust Leader

Ted Rall
June 10, 2009 - TedRall.com

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WASHINGTON, NORTH AMERICAN PROTECTORATE, GREATER GERMAN REICH--

From Honolulu to Portland, Maine, North American citizens of the Greater German Reich gathered on June 6th to celebrate the 65th anniversary of the victory of Axis forces at D-Day, the battle that decided World War II. Fallen heroes of the Wehrmacht and SS were commemorated at solemn ceremonies and Party rallies throughout the Reich, but the day held special meaning in Washington, which until 1945 was the capital of the former United States.

Speaking at the Supreme Kommandatur, which was built at the site of the former American presidential palace, Chancellor Adolf Hitler III said the war against the Western Allies paved the way for the years of peace and prosperity that followed. "It was unknowable then, but so much of the progress that would define the 20th century, on both sides of the Atlantic, came down to the battle for a slice of beach only six miles long and two miles wide," he said.

Recollections of the National Socialist triumph at Normandy were clouded by several developments--a severe recession, a war with no apparent end in sight, and continuing concerns over human rights abuses.

Hitler III swept into power last November with a slogan--"change you can believe in"--that charmed members of the Reichstag across the political spectrum from far right to extreme right. Since that time, however, changes have proven either incremental or non-existent. For example, Hitler III promised during the campaign to help national comrades in danger of losing their homes--but instead spent trillions of marks to bail out feckless banks. He promised to withdraw from the Eastern Front, but has extended the pullout timeline by a year, is leaving tens of thousands of troops in place, and even plans to open a new front in South Asia.

Finally, he declared his intent to close Auschwitz ("Germany does not 'do' genocide," he said) only to move the remaining inmates to other camps, which are being expanded.

Despite the lack of action, most people continue to support the charismatic new Leader. "He has a lot on his plate," says Kristof Mathewsohn, the cable TV commentator. "Give the guy time."

Indeed, five months into his chancellorship, the Leader remains the most trusted figure in North American politics. A new poll of homeless, recently dispossessed workers found that 72 percent trust Hitler III "to do the right thing."

"In watching and listening to Hitler III's press conferences, it's easy to appreciate why people trust him," said a man who preferred to remain anonymous because, as a Jew, he could be arrested and murdered by the state. "Sure, I wish he'd shut down the gas chambers and the ovens, but he has a lot of other problems to fix first. I'm sure he'll get around to investigating the guys in the previous administration for their role in the Holocaust--nothing drastic, maybe a truth and reconciliation commission or something."

Members of the media remain in thrall to the Leader's suave persona, which is magnified by the glamour his statuesque wife and adorable daughters have brought to Germania (formerly Berlin). "Finally--parties we can believe in!" quipped a reporter as he slipped into a sold-out Wagner performance where Hitler III and his family appeared for a long-promised "date night."

Few have forgotten that Hitler III offered the best alternative. "We live in a one-party system," pointed out Rachel Maddoff, host of "The Rachel Maddoff Show." "Can you imagine how much worse it would have been had Hitler III lost?"

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Ted Rall is the author of the new book "Silk Road to Ruin: Is Central Asia the New Middle East?," an in-depth prose and graphic novel analysis of America's next big foreign policy challenge.